Fan Fiction

Zebra Wars
by GarethC
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

A long time ago, in a galaxy far,
far away....

Zebra Wars IV: A New Hope

It is a period of civil war.
Rebel spaceships, striking
from a hidden base, have won
their first victory against
the evil Galactic Empire

During the battle, Rebel
spies managed to steal secret
plans to the empire's
ultimate weapon, the DEATH
STAR, and armored space
station with enough power to
destroy and entire planet.

Pursued by the Empire's
sinister agents, the princess
races home aboard a
starship, custodian of the
stolen plans that can restore
freedom to the galaxy.

*******************************

Part One
Threepeo shuffled down a nondescript white corridor. The ship shook violently almost knocking him over and dislodging dust from the ceiling.

"You hear that?" Threepeo said to himself because that's what it said on the script "They've shut down the main reactor. Were doomed for sure now."

Rebel soldiers rushed to mark the main airlock with their blasters. They remained in there positions for just a few moments, glancing at each other nervously, then was a flash as the door was blown in. White armored stormtroopers poured in who immediately began to open fire.

Though this Threepeo suffered along headless to the danger around him. This was quite a feet of polite stubbornness as as blaster bolts from both the rebels and the imperials were shooting past him left and right. "Artoo, where are you?"

At last he spotted the troublesome tome laying on a table and out of the corner of his visual sensors he saw a figure gliding away. "There you are, Artoo." Threepeo said. As he spoke, the bothersome book lifted off the table and headed in the direction of the escape pods.

"Artoo, where are you going?" Threepeo called as he followed the book

"Artoo were not authorized there, we'll be deactivated for sure." Nevertheless, the book glided into the escape pod where it turned around in the air to face Threepeo.

"Actually my name's Tomie and I've got some bad news for you Threepeo," It announced. "The Author couldn't find anybody in the Zebra Girl comic to cast as you, so unfortunately..." The pressure hatch slammed shut cutting Threepeo off. Stormtroopers poured into the corridor, one of them loosing blaster shots at random.

"Oh my!" Exclaimed Threepeo as only he could exclaim. "Please be careful sirs,I-would-appreciate-it-if-you-would-point-those-things-elsewhere-and-I'm-sure-we-can-talk-about-this-no-don't-do-that! Oh no, I've been shot!"
A bolt of pure energy smacked into Threepeo, blowing him into a thousand pieces.

Back at the main air lock, the stormtroopers arranged the dead from the battle into neat piles. Some marching music began and a very tall figure emerged though the smoke...

*******************************

[A note form the Author: Sorry about this, we were planning to do a full Tomie gets kidnapped by Jawas sequence, but we didn't. But you know what happens.]

*******************************

Life on Tatooine sucked, thought Sandra Skywalker as she looked about Anchor Head for the Jawa booksellers. All her friends already gone off exploring the universe and here she was looking for a Botchi phrasebook for her stick in the mud Uncle. She surveyed the market place, her third eye helping her see over people's heads somewhat. Anchor Head was a pretty rough place to come to just for a book. Around her, between the sand coloured walls were crowds of people from all races and origins, many of whom looked at her with barely disguised distaste. At least she could go outside without a cowled longcoat on, there were stranger people here that her, though you might have to look pretty hard.

At last she spotted the Jawa booksellers, they had moved their stall.

"Hello," She greeted them "I'd like to buy a Botchi phrasebook."

The Jawa responded with an incomprehensible sequence of syllables that Sandra comprehended perfectly.

"Great, I'll take it." The Jawa who ran the stall picked out an old battered volume from his stall and handed it to Sandra, who in turn handed over a few credits. After it was clear that she wouldn't be buying anything else the Jawa waddled over to the next customer, ignoring Sandra totally.

"Pist, kid." Somebody said. Sandra looked about but failed to find the source of the voice. "Down here." The voice said again. Confused, Sandra tried looking about her feet "No, no, no not bellow the table."

"Where are you then?" Sandra asked.

"I'm a magic talking book." Said the voice. "I'm on the table, the one that looks like it has a single eye on the cover." Sandra looked about the table and found the book. "Name's Tomie."

"Okay, is this some kind of joke?" Sandra asked, looking about. The Jawa was still busy with another customer.

"No joke, what I'm a magic book." As Sandra watched, the book, Tomie, lifted off the table and did a twirl in the air.

"What do you want oh magic talking book?" Sandra asked skeptically.

"Slip me into you're bag."

"You want me to steel you?" Sandra asked incredulously.

"I have a secret message for an Obi Wan Kenobi." Tomie explained.

"Hum," said Sandra, "I don't know a Obi Wan Kenobi, but perhaps you mean old Micheal Kenobi who lives out on the other side of the dune sea..."

"Whatever, he'll do. Just get a move on, we're never going to finish this spoof at this rate."

*******************************

Out in the desert a number of stormtroopers were combing the desert. "Look sir." Said one of them, holding up a bookmark "tome".

*******************************

It was a half hour speeder trip to the old outpost where Mikael Kenobi lived. Sandra felt a little nervous knocking on the door until she reminded herself that if the old hermit got too eccentric then she could spit acid in his face.
The door opened to revel a figure wearing brown robes and a hood. "Ar, young Sandra Skywalker. I haven't seen you in quite some time. What brings you here?" The mysterious figure waited expectantly for an answer, and when it didn't come he cleared his thought nosily "I say, what brings you here young Sandra Skywalker."

Sandra was staring dreamily into his eyes "You look so cute wearing a false beard and a wig, you know that Mike."

"Look, Sandra, I know that I'm not casted ideally," Mike said, sounding somewhat annoyed "I'm trying to to the best Ben Kenobi I can here, you're not helping."

Sandra seemed to snap out of whatever trance she was in "Of course Mike, lets start from the top."

Mike let Sandra into the outpost where two cups of coffee were inexplicably waiting for them. "So, what brings you here then Sandra?"

"This book here." Sandra said, pulling Tomie out of her bag.

"Hi," the magic book said.

"He claims to be the property of an Obi Wan Kenobi. Do you know him? Is he a relative of yours?"

"Know him," Mike said, not quite managing to get the accent correct "Why of course I know him, he's me."

"What kind of a plot twist was that?" Sandra asked.

"The pointless kind, now let's see about what this book wants." Mike picked up Tomie and began to examine him critically.

"He claims to have a message..."

"I believe that I have found it." Mike had turned Tomie upside down and shook him until a sheet of paper had fallen out from between the pages. Mike picked it and looked at it, turned it upside down and frowned.

"Please don't do that again! It's not good for my spine," Tomie complained though nobody was paying attention.

"Lets see here..." Mike squinted at the paper "'Years ago you served my, my... fart-er? father in the... clone wars. Now I ask you to... sever, er serve me again one last time. Contained in this book are plans... critical to the...' I'm sorry, this is the most atrocious handwriting I have ever seen. '...plans critical to the... sur... survival of the alliance. Take these plans to my father on Alderon, he will know what to do. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.'"

Mike sat down and seemed to think for a second.

"You can say it now..." Sandra prompted "I know you want to."

"You must learn the ways of the force if you're to follow me to Alderon."

*******************************

"So you knew my father?" Sandra asked. The speeder trip to Mos Esily was long and boring and deep conversations terned to be the result. The alternative was to play eye spy.

"He was a cunning warrior and the best fighter pilot in the galaxy." Mike explained, "And a good friend." He added to himself.

She had heard a thousand stories from her uncle about her father. Each placed him in some insignificantly job and in each he died peacefully in his sleep. There was something she had to know "How did my father die?"
Mike kept his eyes on the desert and seemed to be in a sombre mood "You're father was betrayed an murdered by rogue Jedi called Darth Broadsholders, a pupil of mine." Mike turned his head to face Sandra "Broadsholders was seduced by the dark side of the force and he turned to evil."

"A pupil of yours?"

"Yes," Mike seemed to be struggling with some memory of guilt "I, too, was young and arrogant. I thought I could instruct him well. I was wrong."
Sandra decided to leave the old man to his memories.

*******************************

Catchy, repetitive music was being played live in the bar by a number of musicians that looked like they had been extras in a close encounters movie. Mike had left Sandra sitting at the bar while he looked for a pilot willing to take them off planet.

"You know what I think." Said a papery voice from inside Sandra's bag.

"No, do go on Tomie."

"I think that you enjoyed that speeder trip with Mike rather too much."

"Shut up Tomie."

Sandra went back to the critical task of filling in back story.

"Most of the best start pilots the galaxy drink here." Mike had explained on the way in.

"What, the best in the entire galaxy, just in this little bar?" Sandra had asked, incredulously.

"I know it sounds improbable, but who is the Jedi Master here?"
Her thoughts were interrupted when the man sitting next to her grabbed her by the shoulder and spun her round. He seemed to have something wrong with his nose.

"I don't like you." He told her.

"I'm sorry." Sandra replied, trying to go back to her drink.

"You'll be dead!"

The noise must have distracted Mike because he turned away from the figure that he was talking to. "This little one isn't worth the effort." he said in a calm voice. It wasn't enough, the man with the missing nose grabbed Sandra's shoulder and tried to pull her round.

"You fire!" Sandra hissed. Bright orange flames leaped up around he attacker and for a moment he squeezed her shoulder even more tightly as he flinched in pain. At last he let go as the flames faded, leaving horrible burns. He backed away, clutching his burnt flesh, staring into Sandra's three eyes.

"I said that she wasn't worth the effort." Mike called to the man as he fled the cafe.

"You could have helped a little more." Sandra chided her Mike as the cheep music began again.

"I would have, but it wasn't on the script," explained Mike. He gestured to the figure that he had been talking too, a six foot high anthropomorphic rabbit "This is Sambarker, and he if first mate on a ship that might take us to Alderon."

Sambarker looked flatly at Sandra, with an expression that said "I am not amused by any of this."

"Apparently, he as a problem with this spoof."

"It's about the cheapest thing I have ever worked on." Sambarker explained. "It's tired and totally predictable."

"And here I was thinking that that was the point." Mike said.

*******************************

Sambarker lead Sandra and Mike though the crowed alleys of Mos Eslly to the starpad where, hopefully, they could get a ride off planet. Sandra got her first good look at the the ship that they would be riding on. It was a freighter sized craft shaped like a big disc on legs, but the hull seemed to have been put together from thousands of model starship parts stuck together by some manic director. A woman turned away from where she was working on the landing gear and marched up to them.

"Hello," She said "My name is Crystal Solo. You must be Mike Kenobi and Sandra Skywalker, Sambarker radioed ahead. Were a little rushed so if you could just... why are you staring at me Mrs Skywalker?"

Sandra blinked "Sorry, it's just that I was expecting you to be wearing a plaid shirt for some reason." She said, knowing that she wasn't making sense. "And that you would be a man."

Crystal gave Sandra and confused look "No, I can't see why you might think that... er... why are you giggling."

"That... it's just that I've had a rather amusing thought." Sandra covered her mouth to stop her busting out with laughter. Perhaps this spoof won't turn out so bad after all.

End of Part One

*******************************

Next time on Zebra Wars...

Where is Jack? Will he ever show up?

"Pardon me, but may I assume that he is mentally retarded?"

Looks like it!

"You're powers are weak old man." Broadshoulders commented. Mike smiled as he lunged again. "Strike me down Darth and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Tune in next time on Zebra Wars...

*******************************


Part Two: The Part With a Name
[A note from the author: Now, it may be that you don't have a short attention span, and it may be that you can remember perfectly well what happened in the last episode, however we like to assume that you have the memory of a goldfish so that we can waste column inches by doing a bit of recapping.
As we left, our heroes: Sandra Skywalker, Mike Kenobi, Crystal Solo, Sambarker and of course Tomie, were on route to Alderon.]

Under Mike's supervision, Sandra focused all her being into moving her lightsaber to and fro, trying to block the small stunblaster bolts. Without warning, Mick moaned as if in pain and sat down heavily.

"Is something wrong?" Sandra asked as she hurried over to comfort Mike. "Are you all right?" Over on the table Tomie sniggered.

"I just realized that I end up dying very shorty. It's kind of depressing."

*******************************
[But before we can get back to them we need to go to the Death Star itself and have a look at what the villains are doing. (Play marching theme.)]

Though he wasn't bound or being forced in any way, the two guards flanking Jack told him that there was no chance of escape. Besides, where could he escape to? This whole damned space station was the size of a small moon and it was full of imperials.

He was lead into what looked like a command room. He recognized two of the figures: a short balding man wearing a spotless imperial uniform and a very tall man wearing a brim hat and a trenchcoat.

"Governor Bowlingballhead, I should have expected that I would find you holding Darth Broadshoulders leash, I thought recognized you're foul stench the moment I was brought aboard." He said defiantly.

Bowlingballhead reached forward and clutched Jack's chin so that he was forced to look into the imperial commander's eyes. "Charming, to the last."

Er... thought Jack frantically, is he coming on to me?

"You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate you life." Bowlingballhead continued.

He is, he's coming on to me!

"Are you coming on to me?" Jack asked desperately.

There was an embarrassed silence. Somebody coughed.

"Pardon me, but may I assume that he is mentally retarded?" Interrupted Broadsholders.

"Most do." Governor Bowlingballhead agreed.

"Very well, I will continue," said Broadshoulders, "his resistance to the mind probe is considerable. He has an inexplicably high level of pain torrence."

"No matter, I have a different plan in mind," said Bowlingballhead. The imperial commander turned to Jack and raised a finger, "In a way Jack, you have determined what the first target of this battle station should be. Since you will not provide us with the location of you're secret rebel base we have decided to test this battle station on you're home world of Alderon."

"No!" Jack pleaded, his words running together "We are peaceful, we have no weapons."

"So you would prefer another target, a military target. Name the system." Bowlingballhead moved so close to Jack that the foul stench the governor was famous for became nearly overpowering. He could count the individual freckles on the three liver-spots. "I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time. Where is the rebel base?"

Jack looked longingly though the window at the planet beyond. He couldn't betray the alliance, but this was his homeworld! Millions upon millions of unsuspecting people were going about their daily lives not knowing, not looking up.

"Dantooien, there's on Dantooien." Jack admitted.

"You see Lord Broadshoulders he can be reasonable," Bowlingballhead stepped away from Jack and turned to the gunners. "Commence primary ignition, you may fire when ready."

"What!" Screamed Jack "No!" He fought vainly to get lose from Broadshoulder's grip. "No!"

"You're far too trusting..." Bowlingballhead was saying, but Jack didn't listen. Though the bridge window he saw a blue and white ball, a ball that was his home and the homes of billions of people. He was seeing the for the last time. There was burning bright flash of light...

Years later the thing he remember most was that there was no sound accompanying the flash.

*******************************
[A note from the Author: And now we join our heroes as the Millennium Falcon is drawn into the Death Star. Yup, we have skipped over a few more scenes.]

Sandra could hear the Stormtroopers marching above the secret compartments as they inspected the ship for any survivors. Crystal Solo assured them that hidden as they were, they would not be found.

"Isn't this comfy Mike?" She whispered to the other occupant of the smuggling hold.

"Sandra!" He sounded half shocked and half amused.

Somebody slid the cover off the compartment, spoiling the perfect moment. Sandra looked up to see Crystal.

"What do you use these for Crystal?" Sandra asked as she pulled herself out.

"Illegal spice trafficking, long term storage of banned weapons and some general smuggling on the side." She smiled sweetly.

"I never knew you had it in you Crystal." Sandra said dryly.

"The question is 'what do we do next?'" Sambarker asked.

Mike clambered out of the hold, looking just a little bit disheveled "I have an idea."

Outside the Falcon two Stormtroopers waved a scanning crew though. The following sequence of sounds could be heard:

A crashing sound and some screaming.

"Hey down there, could you give us a hand with these?"

Silence as the stormtroopers marched up.

"You fire!"

A bit later Sandra, Crystal, Mike and Sambarker walked into a small communications room that was apparently not in use at the moment. Sandra rested Tomie down on the sideboard.

"That was sooo cool Sandra. I wish I could make people burst into flames like that!" Crystal smiled and rubbed her hands together "I'd make all my rivals and smuggling competitors burn like the insignificant bits of wicker they are."

Sandra took a step back. "Are you feeling okay Crystal?"

"We have a problem here." Sambarker interjected before Crystal could say anything. "In the real Star Wars we need to plug Artoo into the main computer to find out where the controls to the tractor beam are. But our version of Artoo is Tomie, and I don't think we can plug him in. Not to mention that we have to find out where they are hiding the princess."

Sandra stepped forward, "I do tech support, I can hack the system."

"Perhaps Tomie knows some magic to do it for us after all." Crystal proposed.

"Use the force," suggested Sambarker without much enthusiasm.

"Actually guys and galls, somebody forgot to log out of the system," Mike said from where he had sat down at the terminal. "I have found the coordinates and have them memorized."

Mike rose and made towards the door. Sandra stood up to follow him but he moved to stop her.

"I don't think you girls can help now." He said, with an air of seriousness thus far unprecedented in this spoof. "Sandra, you're destiny lies down a different path to mine."

"Mike, what are you saying?" Sandra grasped one of his hands with hers "What do you mean?"

"I have to go."

"What!"

"The force will be with you, always." Mike pushed Sandra's hands off his as he stepped beyond the door. She felt tears forming in her eyes as he pressed the door control and vanished from her life again, she wasn't sure if they were tears of rage or sorrow. For along time she lent facing the wall. Not even Tomie made a comment when she finally turned back to face her friends.

"I suppose... I suppose we'd better get on and rescue the princess." Sambarker said eventually.

*******************************

Darth Broadshoulders walked though the corridors of the Death Star headless the the milling soldiers around him. There was a presence close by he had not felt since...

*******************************

"Weren't we supposed to come up with some clever plan?" Asked Sandra worriedly. "Something about a prisoner transfer?" They were descending in the turbolift down the superstructure towards the detention block. "And given that this whole place is the size of a small moon, does anybody else find it strange that the detention block is well within walking distance?"

"Sandra, Sandra, Sandra," Sambarker answered. "Firstly clever plans never work in the middle of a movie, just at the end, so we might as well not bother. We'll just use our plot immunity to win the fight against all odds. Secondly, if the detention block was too far to walk to then how would we get there?"

Sandra shook her head. "That makes no sense." Sambarker shrugged as he pressed the open button for the cell block.

*******************************

"All right, all right, I'll admit that we won that easily, but it was just luck." Sandra maintained as she inspected the corpses of the imperial troops. "It wasn't because we have any of this so called 'plot immunity' of yours."

"Yes, we just stood there at point blank range and they all somehow missed us?" Sambarker said skeptically. "Even though stormtroopers are so accurate that Obi Wan was able to tell the blast marks on the sand crawler were made by them and not Sand People?"

"Perhaps it was the force." Sandra suggested.

Crystal got up from the computer station she had been inspecting. "The princess is being held in cell block one-one-ay."

"Got ya." Sandra conformed as she rushed down the hallway, counting off cells. Cell block one-one-a was identical to every other cell block, a black door in the hexagonal corridor. Sandra pressed the door release.

"I'm Sandra Skywalker and I'm here to rescue you!"

The door opened to revel a human form sprawled across the cell bench. The princess was clothed in a long plaid dress and had pair of earmuffs that matched. Recognition dawned.

"Jack!" Sandra gasped "You've been cast as Princess Leia?"

"Princess?" Jack exclaimed "Well that explains the underwear."

"Underwear...? No... no, I don't want to know." Sandra said. "We need to get back to the Falcon."

"We need to do the garbage crusher sequence first," said Crystal as she ran up behind, giggling as she saw Jack.

"Let's not bother with that."

*******************************

Mike stepped cautiously though the hallways of the Death Star. He wasn't worried about the imperials, they didn't seem to see him. He had deactivated the tractor beam but he knew for certain that he would not be the one to benefit from that action. As he rounded a corner the presence that he had been feeling finally resolved itself.

Darth Broadshoulders stood alone in the empty corridor with an ignited red lightsaber, the ominous silence broken by only the hum of the Dark Jedi's weapon. "I've been waiting for you Obi Wan."

Mike ignited his weapon with the characteristic snap-hiss and raised it.

"The cycle is complete, when I last left you I was but the learner, now I am the master." Broadshoulders continued.

"Only a master of evil Darth." Mike stepped forward, swinging his weapon at Broadshoulders'es head, but his opponent was too fast and quickly deflected the attack and turned it into one of his own that Mike only just deflected away. They were not fighting seriously yet, just testing each other, each finding out what his opponent could do.

"You're powers are weak old man." Broadshoulders commented.

Mike smiled as he lunged again. "Strike me down Darth and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Broadshoulders pulled back, he seemed to be taking his time over the fight. His eyebrows furrowed, "you do realize that that last thing you said makes no sense whatsoever?"

*******************************

"This is the most unbelievable, most unjust..."

"...case of poetic justice." Sambarker suggested for Jack.

"...well maybe it is justice since I'm a pervert." Jack conceded, struggling to keep the momentum of his outrage up. "Why do I have to wear a dress?"

Jack, Crystal, Sandra and Sambarker were crouching behind a stack of barrels on the landing platform. There were too many stormtroopers in the way to risk trying to fight and despite what Sambarker said about plot immunity, Sandra wasn't willing to that that chance.

"Hey, I'm doing fine as Luke Skywalker, and he's a man." Sandra whispered. "It's nice not to be moping around feeling sorry for myself or crying on your shoulder for a change."

"And I quite like Han Solo's character," added Crystal. "This could be the start of a new me."

"Well that's because you're getting to be a member of the stronger sex for once." Jack said, he was going to add more but he realized that Sandra was looking at him in that odd way of hers "Err, just hypothetically, so I know that setting better, could this Luke Skywalker set people on fire when he was angry?"

"No, but Sandra Skywalker can," said Sandra.

Jack decided to change the subject.

"So, tell me about this Princess Leia then." Jack said "She seems quite noble and honorable."

Sandra frowned, "Wait, Jack, you have seen Star Wars right?"

"Err?"

Crystal gasped "Jack, you haven't seen Star Wars!" She giggled a bit. "You, of all people?"

"Even I've seen Star Wars," said Tomie, "and I've been locked in an attic for most of recorded history."

"I've been meaning to see it," Jack hedged. "I mean it's not like I've never heard of it. I know that it's all swashbuckling with laser swords somebody ends up as somebody else's father. I've just never found the time. Anyway, it's a bit like Star Trek isn't it?"

Four pairs of eyes, not evenly distributed among their owners, stared at him as if he'd just said "Gabriel, he's a bit like Beelzebub isn't he?"

Sambarker broke the silence. "We'll have to fill Jack in later, right now we have to get past the Stormtroopers."

Twenty or so stormtroopers were standing guard over the Millennium Falcon, standing in a regimented five by four box. However, as they watched the formation broke and the soldiers hurried towards something Sandra couldn't see.

"That's a stroke of luck." Sambarker said. "A little too lucky if you ask me..."

"We have to take the chance!" said Crystal sharply. "Sorry," she added as her face coloured "I don't often get to be assertive."

The four of them, with Tomie floating silently behind the other three, made of the boarding ramp. Sandra happened to glance after the Stormtroopers. There was Mike! He was fighting with a tall man dressed in an ugly brown trenchcoat. It had to be Darth Broadshoulders.

"Mike?" She said softly, feeling the others skidding to a halt behind her. Somehow Mike heard her because he glanced in her direction and smiled.

*******************************

Still smiling knowingly, Mike turned back to Darth Broadshoulders. He looked his one time pupil in the eye one last time, then he raised the lightsaber into a mediative position. Broadshoulders still had much to learn.

*******************************

Broadshoulders swung his lightsaber at Mike. He didn't even try to defend, he had his eyes shut! What the hell did he think was he doing! Sandra stood stock still as Broadshoulders rent Mike's head from his body, but there was no blood. Instead Mike Kenobi's simple brown robes fell empty to the floor. Puzzled, Broadshoulders stepped forward and kicked them.

"No!" Sandra shouted, her voice rising though several octaves.

Hearing this, the stormtroopers spun round, saw the intruders and immediately opened fire. Behind her Jack, Crystal, Sambarker and Tomie made for the Falcon, but Sandra raised her blaster and returned fire.

"Come on kid!" Crystal was shouting, but Sandra couldn't hear.

"Sandra, it's too late!" Jack screamed, but Sandra didn't listen. Behind the Stormtroopers Broadshoulders marched unstoppably forwards.

"Run, Sandra, run." somebody else said and Sandra ran.

*******************************

Crystal and Sambarker hurriedly sat down at the controls to the Falcon. Crystal reached up and pulled some switches causing the white hiss of the main engines to fill the room.

Behind them Sandra was sitting staring down at the drinks table. Jack carefully placed a blanket round her and passed her his handkerchief. Sandra blew her nose noisily and the handkerchief promptly melted.

"I can't believe he's gone..." she said sadly.

Back in the cockpit Crystal had the engine warmed up. "Let's hope that old man got the tractor beam out of commission or this is going to be one of the shortest escapes in history!" she said, looking like she was enjoying every word.

"Right," agreed Sambarker as he pulled back on the controls. The Falcon lifted off the platform with a unnerving jaunt. Crystal fired the main boosters throwing Sambarker back against his straps. The ship rocked jarring Crystal's teeth together.

"What was that!"

"TIE fighters! Coming in fast." Replied Sambarker after he checked the scope. "Do we fight?"

"No! We can't fight an entire space station, hit the hyperdrive Sammy!"

"Right!" Sambarker replied, pushing forward a leaver that looked suspiciously like it had been taken from a hardware catalog. "And don't call me Sammy!" For an instant the stars became star-lines and the Falcon was catapulted into the far reaches of deep space.

*******************************

"This had better work Broadshoulders." Bowlingballhead murmured as he watched the Falcon vanish. "I'm taking an awful risk letting them go."

End of Part 2

*******************************

Next time on Zebra Wars...

"So you get to be extras in the battle for Yavin sequence?"

Who gets to be the extras?

Jack nervously watched the tactical display. He felt a burning sensation around his toes. Puzzled, he looked down. The hem of his dress was on fire! And it was spreading upwards faster than any natural flame.
"Oh what was that for?" He muttered as the fires consumed him.

And what is Jack being set on fire for this time? Did he deserve it?

Tune in next time on Zebra Wars

*******************************


Part 3: Poor Extras

A rebel watch member tracked the Millennium Falcon landing, recording it's flight path with his a hand held sensor pack. He wasn't expecting trouble, not from this craft, but it was best to be sure.

**********************

A quick cheesy screen-wipe between scenes left Sandra in the secret rebel base. She scanned the crowds and to her amazement found somebody she recognized. Three somebodies. It was the guys!

"Hey, how are you doing Sandra," said the first, a young woman wearing thick glasses.

"We heard about the power-converter room bather incident." said the second, a man with a permanent quiff.

"Yes, we sympathize with you being all disfigured in that and all." said the third, with complete disregard for good sentence structure.

Morons

"So you get to be extras in the battle for Yavin sequence?" Sandra asked poility. "Who gets to be Wedge and survive?"

"That would be me."

Sandra turned to have a better look at the newcomer, a mischievous looking blond girl.

"Hi, Sandra, I'm Dawn. You haven't met me yet so thats why you don't recognize me."

"I've heard about you from Jack." Sandra said. "Say, does any character get though this spoof with there gender intact?"

"No, not many so far," Dawn answered, turning to go, "well, see you at the climax."

**********************

Bowlingballhead flipped on his communicator to the bridge. "Status!" He demanded.

"The rebel base is on a moon on the far side of the planet. We are preparing to orbit the planet."

"You know we do have a Death Star here," Broadshoulders pointed after Bowlingballhead switched the comm off, "we could simply blow up Yavin to save time."

"Humm," mused Bowlingballhead, "you may have a point there Broadshoulders. That would work..." Bowlingballhead thought some more, "...but it would rather spoil the climax."

**********************

Sandra, Dawn and the guys filled into the briefing room and sat down. Crystal and Sambarker were causally learning against the wall.

A disembodied voice filled the air: "The planet Yavin, an average Eastern American gas giant circling around a miscellaneous yellow sun. Pleasant enough by all accounts." A man with squared off hair wearing a brown jacket walked in and took the podium. He was carrying a wireless microphone which he raised to his face. "But lurking in the shadows of Yavin is a mystery... a new element in this once quite system, both fascinating and terrifying."

The man began walking to the left taking his eyes away from the watchers "Tonight, on mysteries that haven't been explained yet, we examine..." with a forced suddenness he jumped back round to face the audience. "The Yavin Death Star!"

"Eye witness accounts state the the Death Star's defenses are designed around a large scale attack. A small one manned fighter should be able to penetrate their turbolasers."

"Pardon me for asking," Dawn interrupted, "what good are stunt fighters going to do against that thing."

"Good question," said the mysteries-that-haven't-been-explained-yet reporter, "An analysis of the plans provided for us by Princess Jack..."

"Prince Jack! Why couldn't I be prince Jack!"

"...a reliable and credible witness, has demonstrated a weakness in the battle station." A number of images appeared on the briefing room's computer screen. The first was a full scale picture of the battle station. The picture zoomed in progressively until a trench became visible. "But the approach will not be easy. You're required to manoeuvre down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two metres wide."

"That's impossible, even for a computer!" One of the guys said.

"Nonsense," Sandra reassured him, "I used to bullseye wamprats in my T-16 back home, there not much bigger than that."

"Why did you do that?" Dawn asked.

"Spite mostly," replied Sandra, "and it gave me a feeling of power."

"There is a small thermal exhaust port right below the main one," Continued the reporter "It leads directly to the main reactor. A direct hit should start a chain reaction that will destroy the station. Only a direct hit will set off a chain reaction. Now the shaft is ray shielded so you'll have to use proton torpids."

The low murmur of conversation filled the air. The nameless reporter raised his microphone again. "Then man you're ships, and is the force with you? You'll have to decided. Doo, doo, doo, doo. Doo, doo, doo, doo..."

"Please! Stop! That!" shouted Tomie.

**********************

"Red one, please check in," Came Dawn's distorted voice over the radio, "Check in red one."

"Yes, this is Sandra here Dawn," Sandra replied.

"Red two, check in red two" Dawn was simply checking everybody's radios so Sandra left her too it.

"I don't know why I'm here," said Tomie from where he was strapped into the back seat.

"Moral support."

"I see. Where's Crystal?"

"She took off with the reward money for saving Princess Jack." Sandra began pressing some switches to make it seem like she was doing something.

"She just took off?"

"Yes." She turned a dial.

"That doesn't sound like Crystal." Tomie sounded worried and bemused.

**********************

"Mwha ha ha!" Crystal shouted gleefully as she worked the controls to the Falcon. "I'm abandoning my friends because is suits me. I've always wanted to bad!"

"Crystal," Sambarker said, placing a paw on her shoulder, "I'm going to ask you again, are you feeling all right?"

**********************

"I'm sure she'll come to her senses." Sandra said. "Besides, we have bigger problems." The Death Star now filled half the sky, it's gray bulk blotting out the familiar starry backdrop. And then there was very little time to think about anything else.

"Lock S-foils in attack position," Dawn's voice ordered them. "Accelerate to attack speed and front defector shields at double."

"Look at the size of that thing!"

"Cut the chatter red 2!" Dawn said calmly. It was probably the best thing that she could have said, but the damage was already done. They could not afford to be thinking about the size of the Death Star now. Sandra felt bile in the pit of her stomach, but is was so big!

"Alright people, this is it."

"Gold leader, this is Red 3. I see the target. I'm going to start my run."

"Roger Red 3. I'm going to cut across the main axis and try to draw their fire."

The feeling of bile deepened. As she listened to the continuing conversation over the radio, she realized that she had never felt so totally out of control of a situation in her life. They were now so close to the Death Star that she could see the joining lines between the model starship kits that made up the superstructure.

"Heavy fire boss, twenty three degrees."

"I see it,"

"Stay low!"

**********************

"Crystal, do you really what to be like this?" Sambarker asked as the Falcon glided though hyperspace away from Yavin. "I know that being bad seems new and exiting, but it's not you. Trust me."

**********************

"We count four rebel ships Lord Broadshoulders," the officer said. "But their so small they're evading our turbolasers."

"Get the crews to their stations," replied Broadshoulders, "we'll have to destroy them ship to ship."

**********************

"I've got a problem here," said Red Three.

"Pull up!" Dawn orders.

"I can hold it..."

"Red Three, pull up..."

Red Three's channel filled with static. Sandra switched it off. I'm glad that wasn't me.

**********************

Broadshoulders scanned the hanger until he found two likely looking pilots, "Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Come with me."

**********************

"Negative, it just impacted on the surface." Came the distraught voice of Red 2. Damn, they'd lost Red 4 during that run, all for nothing.

"Red 1, are you ready to begin you're run?"

Sandra gulped at Dawn's voice, "affirmative Gold Leader."

"Ahhhh," Red 2 two screamed over the radio, "they came from behind!" Red 2's channel cut off.

"Looks like it's just you an me Sandra."

"Roger."

Sandra picked out the trench and steered for it. Flying down it wasn't as hard as might be imagined, but the turbolasers firing up at them kept it interesting.

**********************

The imperial officer marched tactfully up to Bowlingballhead. "Sir we've analyzed there attack patten and they may be a danger. Shall I have you're ship standing by?"

"Evacuate? In our moment of triumph. I think you rather overestimates their chances."

**********************

"The guns, they've stopped," remarked Dawn. "Sandra, watch yourself."

"Full throttle, that should hold off the fighters!" For some reason she wasn't afraid any more.

**********************

Broadshoulders watched the X-wings dive into the trench and he seared his fighter after them, a fighter that for no particular reason looked different to every other TIE. He could see the rebel X-wings up ahead, one behind the other. He targeted the first one and opened fire.

**********************

"I've been hit, I can't stay with you." Dawn shouted.

"Pull up, you can't do any more good here!" Sandra urged.

**********************

Broadshoulders watched the first X-wing pull out of the trench. Stay on the leader. He targeted him and opened fire, but the leader somehow dodged out of the way.

**********************

"Can't you flame the pilot of that TIE?" Tomie shouted.

"Good idea!"

Sandra gathered up all her anger into a ball focused it. She wasn't sure how what happened next worked but is always did. Until now.

"I'd didn't work! He blocked me somehow, or perhaps redirected it."

**********************

"Death Star will be in range in thirty seconds." The computer announced. Jack nervously watched the tactical display. He felt a burning sensation around his toes. Puzzled, he looked down. The hem of his dress was on fire! And it was spreading upwards faster than any natural flame.

"Oh what was that for?" He muttered as the flames consumed him.

**********************

Sandra concentrated all of her strength on dodging the lasers from the TIE fighter. If she could just hold on for a few more seconds...

"Use the force Sandra." Came a bodiless voice. It sounded like Mike. "Trust me, let go you conscious self." It was Mike!

Acting on impulse, she closed her eyes and flew by instinct.

"Sandra, you've switched off you're targeting computer." Tomie said frantically. "Is everything alright."

"Yes. Yes Tomie, it is."

**********************

"The force is strong in this one." Broadshoulders said to himself. It explained why he was having so much trouble. Without warning the trench around him exploded with fire.

"What!" He looked up to and saw a battered old freighter coming in on his vector! What was a freighter doing firing at him! The cockpit rocked and a quick glance at the computer panel said that the stabilizers had been taken out. There was nothing he could do here.

**********************

"Wooo, hooo!" shouted Crystal.

"Yes. Wooo. Hooo." agreed Sambarker. "How predictable was this?"

**********************

"You're all clear kid," Crystal's voice came over the radio "Now let's blow this thing and go home!"

Sandra took a deep breath and jammed the fire controls. Twin burning streaks that were the proton torpedoes cannoned down the exhaust shaft.

**********************

"Commence primary ignition."

Bowlingballhead watched the proceedings with satisfaction.

"Stand by."

**********************

Together Crystal and Sandra powered their respective crafts away from the Death Star.

**********************

"Stand by."

Bowlingballhead smiled to himself.

**********************

The Death Star exploded, sending out a ring of fire into deep space. For a long time afterwards nothing but bright white sparks could be seen handing in the air.

End of Part 3

**********************

Next time on Zebra Wars...

"I'm looking for someone."
"Looking? Found someone you have,"

Who gets to be Yoda?
"What, we skipped that? Turn the ship around!"
Can you use your knowledge of Star Wars and Zebra Girl to guess who says this, and why?

**********************


Part 4 Coffee

"What the?" Jack looked about. "Where are we?"

He was in in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon with Crystal and Sambarker. Thankfully he was wearing trousers and a top instead of a dress and the plaid earmuffs had gone. The clothing was thick and would probably do for a snowstorm.

"If I had to guess," ventured Crystal, "I reckon that we've just skipped the entire Hoth sequence."

"What did I miss?"

"Oh, just another epic battle," replied Sambarker. "The Empire found the rebels and flushed them out with giant ATAT walkers. It was one of the defining special effects moments of it's day because nobody had ever worked out how to get rid of mat-lines on a white backdrop before."

"Plus you get to give Sandra a big wet slogging," added Crystal.

"What! We skipped that! Turn around, turn the ship around."

"Too late for that now."

"Why not?"

This wasn't fair, he was getting screwed by this spoof big time! Hang on, if he knew the way movie plots worked, and he did know the way movie plots worked, a kiss meant that he and Sandra must end up getting together eventually so there was nothing to worry about. He unfettered imagination conjured up a dramatic farewell on a windy balcony followed by a long passionate kiss. He wondered if they'd be any dirty shower scenes later.

The Falcon shock jarring Jack back to reality.

"Earth to Jack, Earth to Jack, there's great big Star Destroyer coming after us." Crystal said, her point punctuated as another blast hit home.

"What's a Star Destroyer?"

Sambarker pointed at an rear observation dome with his thumb. Jack popped his head out, looked out and climbed down.

"That's big. We're in trouble aren't we?"

"You'd think so wouldn't you?" said Crystal, not sounding at all concerned. The ship shook from another turbolaser hit. "Especially as we haven't got a working hyperdrive."

"No hyperdrive!" Calm down Jack, things could be worse.

"So we have no choice but to attack."

Damn, they were worse. "Attack that thing?"

Jack was thrown back into his seat as Crystal executed a number of precisely timed rolls that left the Falcon bearing down on the Star Destroyer. It was at least... a hundred times the Falcon's size. Jack was thrown to the left and then the right of his seat, like he was in some mad roller coaster, as Crystal weaved and dodged about the laser bots.

**********************

On the bridge Captain Rage and his second, Cage, watched the Falcon bear down on the ship with obvious furry. Both were generally held in awe and fear by the rest of the crew for showing unfettered anger at everyone and everything. Rage had even become angry at the delectably sliced toasted soldiers that he had been served for breakfast, not just at the chiefs who had made them, but the actually inanimate soldiers.

"Raise the damn forward shields!" Rage commanded. It seemed such an infuriating waste against such a small thing.

The Falcon swooped overhead, some of the crew ducked out of the way, but neither Rage or Cage moved.

"Sir!" Somebody shouted from the crew pit, "We've lost them."

"What did you say!" Cage shouted, fire coming out of his mouth.

Rage took a deep breath, "prepare my shuttle," he ordered his crew.

Cage scratched his head, "Are you going to apologize to Lord Broadshoulders personally?"

"No, you imbecile, you are!" Rage shouted, "I'm getting the hell out of the dark lord's way!"

**********************

"That doesn't look like the rendezvous point." Tomie said, frowning at the coordinates that came up on the X-wing's computer. "Dagobah?"

"That's right Tomie, were going to Dagobah to meet a Jedi Master." Sandra explained.

"Hang on, since when do you know there is a Jedi Master on Dagobah?"

"Since I had that vision of Mike on Hoth as I was freezing to death." Sandra said, wondering if this was the right sort of thing to confide to Tomie.

"Oh, right, right," said Tomie in the tone of one who expects his opinions to be ignored regardless, "that explains everything."

"You have something to say?"

"Look," Tomie said, sounding textbook-reasonable, "I know you liked him, and I am genuinely sorry that he's gone, but you have to admit to yourself that he isn't coming back and that's that. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better in the long run."

"We're going to Dagobah Tomie, like it or lump it."

**********************

"Bounty hunters? We don't need that kind of scum." On of the lower ranking officers muttered to his charge.

"Yes sir."

Broadshoulders marched along the line of rag tag misfits. "A substantial reward will be offered to the man who can tack down the Millennium Falcon and it's crew. I want them alive," he tapped one of the hunters on the chest, a smarmy looking man with spiny black hair wearing a full suit of armor, "no disintegration's."

The man smiled quite horribly, "I suppose that means no eating them either."

**********************

"Okay, I'll admit it. That was clever."

Crystal had landed the Falcon on the Star Destroyer itself, in a blind spot just under the sensor array.

"You should have seen the movie Jack," said Sambarker.

Jack rested his chin in his palm. "So, what happens next then?"

"Well if I remember correctly, I think that you and Crystal..." Sambarker began.

"Ewww," interrupted, Crystal sounding like she'd stepped on something, "we are officially skipping that part Sammy."

"Don't call me Sammy."

"I'm detecting an elevated power signal from the Star Destroyer," Jack said. "I think that their about to make the jump to light speed."

"Sambarker, lose the landing claw."

"Aye Crystal," Sambarker said as he reached for a control. There was a loud clanging as the ship detached from the superstructure of the star destroyer. A moment later the massive ship vanished into hyperspace.

"Now where do we go?" Jack asked.

"I don't know, I'm just checking though the computer," said Crystal. She frowned at something on screen. "What's this? Wally."

"The Wally system?"

"Wally isn't a system, he's a man." Crystal corrected, "Wally Calrissian, an old friend of mine. A wonderful human being."

"He's going to betray us then." Sambarker said in the background with an air of one who is stating a simple fact.

"Great, sounds like he might be able help," Jack said, "I don't have any better ideas."

**********************

"Nice landing." Tomie said.

"It wasn't my fault." Sandra threw up her arms. All the systems had gone dead at once, she had been lucky to land in one piece. She pressed the hatch release to lift the cockpit cover. Of all the places it could have landed the X-wing had come down into a lake. Shrugging her shoulders, she clambered out and dived into the water. Tomie followed her by floating though the air.

"So what do you think of the vision of Mike now Sandra?"

Sandra pulled herself out of the swamp waters. "Fine, I'll admit it. Coming here was probably not a good idea. Wonder whether this Jedi Master really exists. I feel like..."

"You feel like what?"

Startled, Sandra spun round, raising her blaster at the newcomer. "Like were being watched!"

"Away with you're weapons I mean you no harm." Standing only as tall as Sandra's knee was an small creature wearing a dirty brown robe. He had two horns perturbing out of his head, not very attractive horns, Sandra thought, but she recognized a fellow demon when she saw one. "I am Incubus. I am wondering, why are you here?"

"I'm looking for someone."

"Looking? Found someone you have," said Incubus. The little demon chuckled throaty as he clambered down from the branches and began to root though Sandra's pack.

"Tell me, how do you grow so big on coffee like this?" He asked holding up a packet of emergency instant.

Sandra rolled all three of her eyes, hoping that the demon would not understand the expression. She didn't have time for this. "Move along, little guy, I've got a lot of work to do. I'm looking for a great Jedi Master."

"Sandra, just tell him to shove off." Tomie advised.

"The Jedi Master!" Incubus gasped, drowning out Tomie. "You seek the Jedi Master."

"You know him?"

"Take you to him I will." Incubus shuffled round, "Come, come." He began to waddle further into the Dagobah forests.

**********************

The junior officer snapped to attention and then did something very foolish. He looked up. He found he could just see though the gaps into Broadshoulders personal cocoon. A robotic arm lowered a brimmed hat down onto Broadshoulders naked head. The officer gulped.

"Yes, what is it?" Broadshoulders asked after he had swung his seat around.

"Sir, the Emperor commands that you speak with him."

Broadshoulders stood and marched down on the officer, forcing the young man to follow the Dark Jedi. "Move the ship out of the asteroid field so we can send a clear transmission."

"Sir, we didn't do the asteroid sequence..."

"Don't contradict me."

**********************

Later Sandra found herself crouched down in Incubus's house. He was busy preparing some sort of jungle coffee for her. He had insisted, Sandra would rather simply go see the Jedi Master. She grabbed a mug of the stuff sipped at it to make the little guy happy. It would have been delicious if Sandra had only taken the time to appreciate it.

"But I still don't understand why we can't go see the Jedi Master now."

"Patience."

"Sandra, I say dump him." Tomie had found himself a table to sit on, and was eying Incubus suspiciously. "If this guy knows him then he can't be far."

"You should learn patience too, talking tome of evil." Incubus said, then he furrowed his eyebrows, "you know, talking tome of evil, you remind me of a book I was imprisoned in for three kajillion years."

"Humm, you remind me of a demon that I had imprisoned for about that length of time," Tomie mused, "I've often wondered what happened to him."

As she listened to the pointless banter, Sandra's temper snapped and she tossed down the coffee. "Come on Tomie, were wasting our time here." She stood up and swore as she banged her head on the roof.

"I cannot teach her."

There was an air to Incubus's voice that wasn't there before. He was standing with his back to her looking up at something.

"The girl has neither patience nor love of good coffee."

"She will learn patience," said a disembodied voice. Mike.

"Much anger in her. Like her father."

"Was I any different?"

"Hey, am I only hearing half of a phone conversation here?" asked Tomie.

"She is not ready." Continued Incubus.

Realization sank in to Sandra. "Incubus, you're the Jedi Master!" Sandra gasped. "Incubus, I'm ready. I can be a Jedi."

"Err, Sandra? Tomie to Sandra."

"Ready are you? What knows you of ready." Incubus shook his head, "For eight kajillion years have I trained caffeine crazed demon Jedi, my own council will I keep on who is ready. Long have I watched this one, always looking to the future and to the horizons. Never her mind of where she was, what she was doing..." Incubus reached out with his staff and poked Sandra, a move that would normally result in the poker being flamed. "A Jedi must have only the most serious mind, the deepest commitment and be the most skilled at controlling all emotion, especially anger."

"Ah," Sandra said, holding up a figure, "I see where they may be a problem."

"And you have to say you like my coffee too, you're not a proper demon until you appreciate fine coffee."

**********************

When he was sure that he was alone, Broadshoulders knelt down before the holograph projector. When he looked up the Emperor's was already looked down at him. Because of the way the light fell on the hood it was impossible to make out a face.

"We have a new enemy," said the Emperor, "Sandra Skywalker."

"I know, my master."

"She could destroy us."

Broadshoulders met the Emperor's gaze, "She's just a girl."

"You will find her and kill her. You must." Two pinpricks of light flashed behind the hood, the Emperor's eyes perhaps.

"Yes, my Master."

**********************

"The Force is all around us, coffee creates it, makes it grow," Incubus explained, slipping in and out of Yoda grammar. "It links all coffee and coffee drinking life together. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter," Incubus reached forward and grabbed Sandra's arm.

"This guy has a problem," Tomie said, who had been feeling lonely and left out though the last few scenes.

"You must feel the Force," Incubus continued heedless of Tomie, "you must taste the coffee."

"You think that the secret to learning the Force is good coffee?" Sandra spat, "Your crazy." She rose to pick her coat up from where it was hanging on a tree.

Incubus took on an expression of concentration. With the Force he called a number of coffee beens to his tiny hands. He ceremoniously placed them in his mouth and began to crew.

His coffee fix for the next five minutes fulfilled, Incubus stretched out a hand and concentrated. Miraculously, the X-wing lifted out of waters and floated over to solid ground.

"I... I don't believe it," Sandra gasped.

"That is why you fail."

**********************

The Falcon tore though the upper atmosphere of the gas giant Belspin.

"Look, I'm trying to reach Wally Calrissian." Crystal explained desperately to the comm.

"You will not deviate from you're present flightpath," came the response. The voice belonged to a pilot who seemed to have had a long day and was in no mood to argue.

"Que the cheesy screen-wipe," said Sambarker.

**********************

Jack, Crystal and Sambarker walked down the landing pad. Jack looked about but couldn't see anyone.

"Do you trust this Wally?"

Crystal frowned at him. "Yes, implicitly," she said, "he isn't the sort of guy who would break his word."

"We are all so dead," Sambarker muttered not quite under his breath, "why is it that only I can see this?"

As she was finishing a door opened onto the pad and a man escorted by a number of security guards walked though. He was about medium height with a head full of straw colored hair and gave off the impression of being kind and innocent.

"Crystal." He said as he shook her hand. "Hey, Sambarker, still handing about with this loser eh?" It was friendly banter, meant in a good natured way.

"Oh, what do we have here?" Wally exclaimed when he saw Jack. "I am Wally Caralisiun, administrator of this facility."

"Damn it!" cursed Jack. "I'm not a girl."

Wally looked at Jack and realization seemed to dawn. "Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I didn't realize."

"You didn't realize...?"

Wally continued to gaze into Jack's eyes, "Though I must say that you are the most attractive man I have ever gazed at, you truly belong here with us in the clouds."

"Behold the power of narrative imperative..." Sambarker muttered as he reached to grab Wally's head. He twisted the businessman's face round until he was looking at Crystal. Wally's expression remained fixed the whole way.

"...we are all slaves to the story," Sambarker continued, as Crystal and Wally set off together, "but when the story is two stories at once things just get more and more complicated..."

"It's not like I'm still wearing a dress!" Jack shouted after the others. Wally, hand in hand with Crystal, lead the others though Cloud City. Wally made small talk about the running of the place: labor shortages, production fees, supply line failures. At last Crystal stopped him by giggling and calling him a responsible leader, causing him to blush.

"Wally, what's on you're mind?" All of a sudden, Wally looked troubled.

Wall stopped in front of a closed door. "Crystal... listen," he said, "whatever happens, I want you to know that... that I really like you a lot."

"Why are you...?" she started.

The closed door opened. Beyond it was a fully laid banquet table. Sitting at the end was Darth Broadshoulders. Jack half turned to run, but he found he was marked from all angles by stormtroopers.

"They arrived right before you did." Wally said, hanging his head, "I'm sorry."

Jack pulled his blaster out it hoister and managed to shoot twice at Broadshoulders. The Dark Jedi raised a hand, blocking both bolts. Jack felt his blaster ripped away from him.

"We would be honored if you would join us."

"Told you so!" somebody said, compleatly unheard.

**********************

Carefully, Sandra lifted one hand off the floor, not easy when she already doing a handstand and lifting rocks with the force. Wisely, Incubus was standing to one side instead of perching on top of her hoof as he had the first time. In the last few weeks (odd because only a few days had passed for Jack and Crystal, at the most) she seemed to do nothing but fail. She had failed her first handstand by dropping Incubus. She had failed in the cave and with the X-wing. She was not going to fail now. She just had to make the pile of rocks.

"Though the force, you will see many things." She wasn't sure why Incubus gave his lectures wile she was trying to concentrate on a task. Perhaps that in itself was a lesson in focusing, perhaps it was so that she would lean do the tasks as second nature. Perhaps he was a just a jerk. "The past, the present, the future."

"Hey, Sandra, behind you! A rancor!" Tomie was a jerk of course.

As Incubus finished, Sandra gasped. She felt pain, not hers. She caught a glimpse of her friends Jack and Crystal and Sambarker. The pile collapsed, she fell on her back, Incubus shook his head.

"I saw a city in the clouds!" Sandra gasped. "My friends. They're in trouble. I have to help them."

"Sandra?" said Tomie, sounding worried for once, "are you saying Jack and Crystal are in trouble?"

"Yes."

"Let's help them then."

"No," Incubus pleaded, "incomplete is you training."

"Will they die?" Sandra asked.

Incubus closed his eyes and sucked in, "hard to see, the future is."

"Then I'm going."

"Sandra, you must not go!"

She was already climbing the steps to the X-wing. "I promise to come back and compete the training," she said quickly.

"Only a fully trained Jedi, with the Force as her ally, will conqueror Broadshoulders and his Emperor." Incubus said.

"I feel the Force," Insisted Sandra.

"But you cannot control it, nor do you have refined you taste for coffee," Incubus counted. "Know this, if you leave now, help them you may, but you will destroy all that they have fought and suffered for. You must not go."

Sandra climbed into the X-wing cockpit and began the warm up cycle "and sacrifice Jack and Crystal?"

"If you honor what they fight for, then yes." said Incubus.

"Luke, I don't want to lose you to the Emperor they way I lost Vader."

Sandra blinked with all three of her eyes. She pushed up the X-wing canopy to get a better look. There was an old man surrounded by a blue aura standing next to Incubus.

"Hey, your not Mike! Your Ben, the Ben Kinobi! What are you doing here?"

Ben Kinobi looked from Sandra to Incubus looking very confused. "This is terribly embarrassing, I appear to have manifested myself in the wrong movie." He began to fade.

"No wait, don't go. I'm a big fan off your's!" Sandra called, leaping out of the X-wing, "Can I at least have you're autograph."

"Well that's blown it," Muttered Incubus, "Have you any idea how much even that short part just cost this production! Well I have one more thing to say to you Sandra before you go..."

**********************

Above the planet Sandra pushed the hyperdrive levers forward.

"You seam pensive." Tomie said.

"I have a lot to think about."

Tomie watched the mottled sky of hyperspace fly past. "I wonder what happened to Mike?" the old book wondered.

**********************

"Luke, you must complete the training."

"I can't keep the vision out of my head, they're my friends I've got to help them." Luke climbed down the X-window ladder.

"You must not go." Yoda insisted.

"But Han and Leia will die if I don't."

Luke paused to let Ben say his line but after a few moments he realized that there was nothing there but an awkward hole in the dialog. Luke looked up. Standing where Ben should be was a hansom young man wearing what appeared to be a false beard.

"Sandra? Incubus?" the apparition said.

"Err..." said Yoda.

The apparition looked around. "Well, this isn't right," it said, the realization seemed to dawn in it's face. "Oh my god, I'm in the real Star Wars!" it looked left and right, causing the beard to slip. "I'm live in front of millions of people instead of a few demented Zebra Girl fans!" the apparition vanished with unseemly haste.

"What was that?" asked Luke.

Yoda considered his answer carefully. He had a reputation to keep up. "An apparition of the dark side the spectra was."

End of Part 4

**********************

Next time on Zebra Wars...

"I'm so sorry," Wally said.

Will Wally grow a backbone in time to save the day?

"That can't be true, that's impossible!"

And it looks like it's time for the most predictable plot twist in the Spoof.


Or is it?

**********************